A Tale of Two Cities?

It has been longer than I intended writing this post for so many reasons, least of which is my propensity for procrastination.  Reflecting on February, it has been a lesson in opposites.  There have been some great moments, such as sharing my cousin's first 17-miler with her, and shattering my 10k PR at Shiver with a 48:38.  There have been some lows, though.  I slacked off a bit due to giving in to some external stressors, and I came to realize that I use food as a form of punishment.
I can let go of slacking off for a week or two, but I need to somehow come to terms with the dysfunctional relationship I have with food, particularly being an endurance athlete.  I've written about having dealt with eating disorders as a teen, but reflecting on my eating as of late has led me to the conclusion that I could still be considered to have a diagnosis of "eating disorder not otherwise specified".
When I'm out running alone, I free-think, and usually my problems have a way of worming their way into my stream of thought, allowing me to work them out while I run.  In this respect, all these miles are better therapy than a shrink, because it allows me as much time as I need, rather than a limiting me to an hour.  This is how my eating presented itself recently.  While I never claimed to have a wholly normal relationship with food, I thought I was doing a pretty decent job considering my past and the fact that, unlike drugs or alcohol, where abstinence is possible, I need to continue to have food in my life.
In past, I have had great success in logging my food to keep myself accountable, both from under-eating and from over-eating.  I have been using the same tool again, and I'm almost at my ideal weight, so what's the problem?  My issue is that when I was slacking a bit on my workouts, I began to try and sabotage my fine balance by eating my guilt.  No workout today?  That's okay.  Have dessert instead.  When I got back on track with my workouts, I had this issue hit me front and center as one of my problems to work out.  Why do I do this?  Thinking more about it, I realized it's not just about skipping a run here or there- I punish myself anytime I feel any kind of innate guilt, but why?
Fear.  I've realized that if I don't let myself eat the healthy balanced diet I so want to, I have an out, an excuse for not reaching goals.  At the same time, keeping myself from these goals is a way to absolve some perceived guilt.  I will never have that normal relationship with food that I so admire in some other athletes I know, but for now my goal is to be more mindful when I start doing this again, and then forgiving myself  and moving on.  I have too much in life to rejoice in to be dragged down by this baggage and I'm putting to much effort into training for the races I so crave for it to be washed away by a little guilt.  I'll tackle this the same way I tackle any of my long runs-one step at a time, never giving up.