A Tale of Two Cities?

It has been longer than I intended writing this post for so many reasons, least of which is my propensity for procrastination.  Reflecting on February, it has been a lesson in opposites.  There have been some great moments, such as sharing my cousin's first 17-miler with her, and shattering my 10k PR at Shiver with a 48:38.  There have been some lows, though.  I slacked off a bit due to giving in to some external stressors, and I came to realize that I use food as a form of punishment.
I can let go of slacking off for a week or two, but I need to somehow come to terms with the dysfunctional relationship I have with food, particularly being an endurance athlete.  I've written about having dealt with eating disorders as a teen, but reflecting on my eating as of late has led me to the conclusion that I could still be considered to have a diagnosis of "eating disorder not otherwise specified".
When I'm out running alone, I free-think, and usually my problems have a way of worming their way into my stream of thought, allowing me to work them out while I run.  In this respect, all these miles are better therapy than a shrink, because it allows me as much time as I need, rather than a limiting me to an hour.  This is how my eating presented itself recently.  While I never claimed to have a wholly normal relationship with food, I thought I was doing a pretty decent job considering my past and the fact that, unlike drugs or alcohol, where abstinence is possible, I need to continue to have food in my life.
In past, I have had great success in logging my food to keep myself accountable, both from under-eating and from over-eating.  I have been using the same tool again, and I'm almost at my ideal weight, so what's the problem?  My issue is that when I was slacking a bit on my workouts, I began to try and sabotage my fine balance by eating my guilt.  No workout today?  That's okay.  Have dessert instead.  When I got back on track with my workouts, I had this issue hit me front and center as one of my problems to work out.  Why do I do this?  Thinking more about it, I realized it's not just about skipping a run here or there- I punish myself anytime I feel any kind of innate guilt, but why?
Fear.  I've realized that if I don't let myself eat the healthy balanced diet I so want to, I have an out, an excuse for not reaching goals.  At the same time, keeping myself from these goals is a way to absolve some perceived guilt.  I will never have that normal relationship with food that I so admire in some other athletes I know, but for now my goal is to be more mindful when I start doing this again, and then forgiving myself  and moving on.  I have too much in life to rejoice in to be dragged down by this baggage and I'm putting to much effort into training for the races I so crave for it to be washed away by a little guilt.  I'll tackle this the same way I tackle any of my long runs-one step at a time, never giving up.

Tightrope called life

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to juggle all the "stuff" I have going on at one time.  My plan for this weekend was to get to bed at a decent hour Saturday night, as I had worked back-to-back nights Thursday and Friday with very little sleep.  The plan was to get up reasonably early to get my scheduled 22-miler in before noon.  The reality of life had me waking up frequently, listening to my younger son's breathing.  Sometimes being a nurse in a pediatric ICU can be a curse- this has been a bad season for respiratory issues, and I've seen a good number of kids get really sick rapidly.  My little guy ended up being fine overnight, but I was left lacking sleep and not wanting to stray far, just in case he needed me.  Add in snow on the roads, as our development still hadn't been plowed, and I was left with exactly one option:  my hamster wheel.

Now even though I am not a huge fan of having to log my miles indoors, I am truly grateful for having this option when left with no other choice.  Thankfully this was the only time within the past week I had to settle for an indoor run, so I tried to make the best of it.  I have a 10-mile course set on it that is supposed to mimic the Tahoe Rim, adjusting the uphills and downhills accordingly, and I figured it would be the closest thing I could run compared to outside.  Being a planner, I looked at my runs for the next week, which had all been previously mapped out on my calendar, made a few tweaks, and was able to reschedule my 22 for Thursday.  While it is not ideal, as I plan on racing a 10k hard on Sunday, at least this lets me preserve my overall plan.

While I was reworking everything on my calendar, I realized that this planning is a far cry from how I used to train.   When all I had to worry about was my job, sans the kids or my own school work, I could roll out of bed and run whatever and whenever I desired-and my training suffered for it.  I could procrastinate a key workout until "tomorrow", never actually seeing tomorrow arrive.  Now when I train, I'm left writing every run on my calendar, scheduling them right along with work, papers, and my son's lacrosse practices.  This has left me more disciplined, and my training has improved dramatically.  January ended up being my highest mileage month ever because of sticking to a schedule as realistically as possible.  I can feel myself getting faster, getting stronger.  Maybe the tightrope is just what I needed right now, even if I have to tweak it once in a while.